Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
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