Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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