So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
