New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
