How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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