saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
