I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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