She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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