Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
