who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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