I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
people are starting to question the shark bite story
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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