All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
