In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
