My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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