We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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