One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
