if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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