My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
