Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
