i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
