he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
