I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
