I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
