Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
