Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
