I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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