She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
