How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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