Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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