chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
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