Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
