this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
