Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
