new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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