im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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