someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
