where am i from again
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
