she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
