There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
