for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
