I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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