She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
