Apparently you make a good broom.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
