Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
