im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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