guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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