I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
