if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
