I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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