im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
After last night, I could never be a politician.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
